The Journals of the LXG
by Nichol1
Summary: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen tell their side of the story! V. silly.
1. Legal nonsense

THE JOURNALS OF... THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (LXG)  
  
Disclaimer: Characters and such are copyright Alan Moore and some film company. Be a decent chap and don't sue.  
  
Warning: Playful silliness. I actually loved the movie and this was too much fun to resist. May be slightly slashy in some chapters. All meant in good fun. Flames will be placed on Quartermain's grave. 


	2. The Journal of Dr Henry Jekyll

THE JOURNAL OF....DR. HENRY JEKYLL  
  
Day 1. Paris, France. Number of vials of serum taken today: 1.  
  
Turned into Hyde again today. Damn hard habit to break, I've discovered. Anyway, he ate a prostitute, two policemen, and one fellow that just happened to walk by, and was then pursued across the rooftops by men packing very big pistols. They captured him and chained him up in the bowels of a submarine and convinced him to join their cause. Frankly, any team that would want Hyde on their side probably suffers from some serious psychiatric disorders, but at least we didn't die. Changed back into half- naked trembling self. Chains v. cold. Felt v. vulnerable and sad. Fortunately, dark-skinned barbarian lord handed me a blanket and escorted me to some nice quarters.  
  
Day 2. Somewhere at sea. Number of vials of serum taken today: 0, though one is missing.  
  
Discovered dark-skinned barbarian lord is called Captain Nemo. V. nice chap, but I wonder what's under that turban. 'Wouldn't you like to know' cackled Hyde, and I told him to bugger off. 'You'd like to do that too!' he cackled again, and I became v. flustered. Have taken cold shower but it's not working.  
The two men who captured Hyde are Alan Quartermain, whose accent I cannot understand, and an American fellow called Sawyer who looks to be about twelve. Other League-mates are the aforementioned Captain Nemo and his turban, a well-dressed chap who looks permanently bored, a v. lovely lady, and one man who must be invisible because I've yet to meet him.  
Just *happened* to walk past Mrs. Harker's bedroom door when I saw Mr. Gray cut her finger. Strangely this seemed to excite her, but fled before things got v. interesting. Hyde quite smitten by Mrs. Harker and wants to see her for himself, and I almost drank a vial of the serum before noticing one was missing. V. curious.  
  
Day 3. Venice, Italy. Number of vials of serum taken today: 1.  
  
Arrived in Italy during v. big festival. Evil chap called Fantom trying to ruin everyone's good time. Buildings blow up and everyone leapt into "auto-mobile" to save the world. Told them I did not want to save the world and Mr. Gray taunted me. Not v. nice chap at all. Stayed at Nautilus to pout.  
Nemo stayed too and launched some missiles and thus saved the world. The others returned sans Mr. Gray (is it too much to hope that he isn't coming back?) and Mr. Quartermain seems v. perturbed. "The bashtard eshcaped," he said, and Sawyer translated it to mean that our enemy has fled. What we would without Sawyer I hesitate to contemplate. He's the only one who can understand what Mr. Quartermain has to say.  
  
Later...  
  
Phooey. Mr. Gray isn't coming back, and that's because he's evil and a traitor and a general no-goodnik. Felt v. overcome by betrayal, was in desperate need of cuddle. Unfortunately bombs started going off and so no cuddling commenced. Nemo v. distraught when his submarine was sinking, so I turned into Hyde so as to pull a lever and save us all. Go me!  
When he discovered we weren't going to die after all Nemo's eyes watered and he said something to me in Hindustani. As I do not speak Hindustani, I don't know what it was, but I *think* he was thanking me. Note to self: learn Hindustani.  
  
Day 4. Somewhere in Mongolia. Number of vials of serum taken today: 1.  
  
Caught myself staring at Nemo's ass today. Have decided I've been on this submarine too long. Have taken three cold showers but it's not working.  
Mrs. Harker v. angry over Mr. Gray's betrayal -- she wants to rip his throat out. Women! So v. emotional. We received word from Skinner, the fellow I've never met, that he's stowed away on Mr. Gray's boat and is now in Mongolia somewhere. Mr. Quartermain said, "Ish freezhing", so we bundled up and sat around in a cave. Was thinking of interesting ways to keep warm that involved Nemo and his turban, but Skinner finally appeared (or rather, *not*) and we followed him to the Super-Duper, Ultra Secret Lair.  
Transformed into Hyde again and helped liberate captives. Go me! Felt v. manly until even bigger, even uglier fellow showed up and started beating the crap out of me and Hyde. Ouch. Nemo v. brave, jumped right in and sliced b&u fellow with his long sharp sword, but was slapped aside. We clung to one another as we fled and I changed back into me. Figured we were sure to die, so cuddled with Nemo in corner. Much to my surprise we didn't die at all and escaped. Yay!  
  
Later...  
  
The League saved the world after all! Go us! Sawyer shot the evil villain and we found Mrs. Harker in a room sweeping up some dust. Did not ask what it was, do not think I want to know. Skinner suffered 3rd degree burns across most of his body and Mr. Quartermain dead. V. sad.  
  
Day 5. Kenya, Africa. Number of vials of serum taken today: 0.  
  
Had funeral for Mr. Quartermain. V. sad. Was not bad fellow for all that his accent was impenetrable. Nemo gave fine speech, asked us to join him on the Nautilus while staring deeply into my eyes. Felt lower lip tremble, agreed to join him. Everyone else agreed so we left together while witchdoctor performed chanted and danced on Mr. Quatermain's grave.  
My, that storm has risen suddenly... 


	3. The Journal of Mr Dorian Gray, Esq

THE JOURNAL OF. MR. DORIAN GRAY  
  
DAY 1. Place: London, England. Feeling: V. pretty  
  
Was having an unusually pretty day until I discovered my portrait was missing. V. bad, v. bad indeed. Silly evil man appeared, claimed to have stolen it for the nefarious purposes of blackmailing me. Wanker.  
  
DAY 2. Place: London, England. Feeling: Still pretty damn pretty.  
  
Mina and her harem showed up. Am prettier than all of them, even Mina. I showed them to my study and fondled my stick. Was feeling onset of terminal ennui when silly evil man and his cronies appeared. I beat the hell out of several cronies with my stick and Mina ate someone. Was shot in chest, will be sneezing bullets for weeks. Have agreed to join their League alongside Mina, some grizzled old fart, dusky man who appears to be eaten alive by his beard, invisible chap, and an American with bad hair.  
  
DAY 3. Place: Paris, France. Feeling: Eyebrows sore.  
  
Was plucking Brow Hair of Doom when Quartermain and Sawyer brought ape-thing onboard Nautilus. To my relief, it was not prettier than me by any means. In the commotion, stabbed Skinner and got blood sample. Am *so* naughty!  
Prancing around with my stick. Prance prance prance!  
  
DAY 4. Place: Onboard Nautilus. Feeling: V. sexy.  
  
Slipped vial of Dr. Jekyll's serum into my pants and went to see Mina. She snarled at me a bit but she knows she cannot resist my sexy self. Dr. Jekyll watching from doorway, but fled before the show really got started. Pity, I always enjoyed having an audience. Afterwards terminal ennui set in and I returned to my quarters to fondle my stick some more. Took comfort in knowing I was not only the prettiest, but also the sexiest. Go me!  
  
DAY 5. Place: Venice, Italy. Feeling: Traitorous!  
  
Being traitor rather fun, actually. Got to leap from moving vehicle and shoot some random fellow. Everyone v. surprised when I stole Nemo's mini-ship thingy and sped off. Must have become more excited than I thought because I could have sworn I heard breathing in the background. I'm sure it was an echo or something.  
  
DAY 6. Place: Mongolia somewhere. Feeling: Dead.  
  
Well, damn. On the bright side, have never been dead before, so terminal ennui has finally gone. 


	4. Mrs Mina Harker's Lady's Journal

THE JOURNAL OF. MRS. WILHELMINA HARKER  
  
Day I. Number of throats sucked: I.  
  
Met Mr. Q, a complete chauvinist pig in the grand tradition of Great White Hunters. Why M wants him to lead the League is beyond me. Anyway, found Dorian's mansion and convinced him to join us. He wants me, oh yes he does. Also picked up some fast food.  
  
Day II. Number of throats sucked: 0.  
  
Recruited Jekyll/Hyde, who has the most severe case of split personality disorder imaginable. Sawyer wants me, oh yes he does. Got hot and heavy with Dorian though lust was somewhat dampened when he paused the lovemaking to cough up a bullet lodged in his trachea in a manner not unlike that of a cat honking up a hairball.  
I tried to laugh it off but I kept worrying that bullets would shoot out of other --- *ahem* -- body parts. Afterwards I dropped right off to sleep while sucking on my injured finger, despite Dorian whining about wanting to 'snuggle'.  
  
Day III. Number of throats sucked: 30 or thereabouts.  
  
Feeling rather stuffed. Saved Venice from destruction, ate a few people, Dorian is a traitorous bastard, etc. etc. Nemo v. pissy over waterlogged submarine, Skinner is missing, Mr. Q keeps mumbling to himself in that bizarre accent. Something about M being Moriarity being the Fantom. Makes no sense. On up side, Jekyll wants me, oh yes he does.  
Checked girlish figure in mirror. If I keep eating bad guys at this rate, I'll be wider than the Nautilus in a few months.  
  
Day IV. Number of throats sucked: none so far.  
  
Skinner patted me on my bum. He wants me, oh yes he does. Found Dorian, now have v. big hole in my chest. Pinned him to wall, forced him to look at his own gnarly portrait. Seemed like good idea at the time, now I wonder why he just didn't close his eyes. Perhaps had death wish.  
Speaking of death wishes, Mr. Q croaked in what I believe was a desperate attempt to escape the clutches of Sawyer. Do not blame him, Lord knows we've tried everything else to escape Sawyer. Even sent him on suicidal mission into collapsing Venetian building, bastard still did not die. Wouldn't do us that big a favor.  
  
Day V. Number of throats sucked: none so far.  
  
Buried Mr. Q. Kenyan sun v. bright, had to fan myself furiously. Sawyer became all teary-eyed over the grave and Nemo gave nice speech about sticking together. Agreed to join them in hopes of getting laid. They all want me, oh yes they do! 


	5. Captain Nemo's Log

CAPTAIN NEMO'S LOG  
  
Day 1, London, 1600 hours.  
  
Back in Merry Olde England. Found it even drearier than I left it, and all the people have even worse teeth than I remember if such a thing is possible. Met with M and Quartermain, who was obviously v. impressed with the length of my beard. Could not help preening just a bit. Went with Quartermain, Harker, and Skinner to fetch Gray. Some uninvited guests dropped in, and I got to kick butt kung-fu style. Go me!  
Quartermain called me a pirate - the nerve! He'll see a pirate when I slit his throat while he sleeps!  
Silly English pig dogs.  
  
Day 2, Paris, 2000 hours.  
  
Arrived in France, Quartermain and country bumpkin went to fetch large beast-creature-monster-thing. It slapped my crew around and roared and generally made a terrible fuss, then shrank down into an adorably sad- eyed half-naked English fellow who whimpered a bit and huddled in a blanket. Feel v. protective all of a sudden.  
Tried on new turban - I think the orange suits me best. Might be best to stick with white, though. White is always in.  
  
Day 3, Venice, 1800 hours.  
  
Woke up in grumpy mood and groused at Jekyll. Seemed so distressed that I was ashamed of myself and decided to make it up to him somehow. Asked him which turban he preferred - he claimed blue matched my complexion. Who knew? Threw away all my orange turbans and sent the white ones to be dyed blue.  
Yokel Sawyer v. rudely stole my auto-mobile and raced off to stop Venice from exploding. He'd better bring it back with no scratches and a full tank or there will be hell to pay! Shot off some missiles, felt v. nice.  
  
Later.  
  
Ishmael is dead. Damn you Gray! I should have garroted you when I had the chance, you sheep-fucking poncy Pom!  
Jekyll v. brave though. Saved the Nautilus and everyone in it. I was most impressed. He returned all wet and dripping and pleased with himself and wearing very little clothing. Emotion overcame me and I temporarily forgot myself when I cried, "Linga bheda chaupaya, eeder ao, hum ho gaye aap ke!"  
He blinked at me a couple of times and replied, "Well, you're welcome!"  
Obviously Jekyll is unaware that Linga bheda chaupaya, eeder ao, hum ho gaye aap ke! is Hindustani for Sex beast, come here for I am yours now! Cannot decide if this is good thing or bad thing.  
  
Day 4, Mongolia, 1200 hours.  
Was worshipping Kali today when I started thinking of all the interesting things I could do to Jekyll if I had six arms. Am pretty sure such thoughts are sacrilegious.  
Invaded British Johnny Bull M's lair and liberated many captives alongside Jekyll-as-Hyde. Then really big and ugly monster attacked, starting beating the crap out of him. Became v. irate, sliced monster with long sharp sword, little effect. Hyde turned back into Jekyll and became all scared and wide-eyed and half-naked again. Took opportunity to cuddle with him in corner while awaiting certain death. Am pretty sure that was his hand on my ass.  
Somehow escaped anyway and saved the world. Go us!  
  
Day 5, Kenya, 1600 hours.  
  
Quartermain croaked, and funeral fine place to propose to Jekyll. Unfortunately the others accepted too, so I suppose I'll have to put up with them on the Nautilus after all. Can only handle so many English pig dogs, may have to toss a few overboard. 


	6. The Diary of Mr Rodney Skinner, Gentlema...

The Diary of. Mr. Rodney Skinner, Gentleman Thief  
  
1st Day:  
  
Nemo swatted at me today. I think he thought I was a fly. Bullocks! I get no respect in this comp'ny, none at all. Have filled his turbans with molasses in revenge.  
M called us in today. Mina looked smashing. Old grump asked if I was a party trick. What'd I tell you? No respect. Left to find Dorian Gray, a fop who's baching it at a run-down mansion. What Mina sees in him I'll never know. Sure she can see right through me but I have more to offer than some pretty boy with nice hair and invulnerable skin. Besides, he has this monstrous hair right between his eyebrows that I swear has a mind of its own. It's talking to me, it says "Wha-PAH! Wha-PAH!"  
How can Mina miss that thing? More to the point, when will Gray notice the bloody thing and when will he pluck it?  
  
2nd Day:  
  
Gray scratched me. Cor, I knew he was a git the moment I met him. Followed him to Mina's room in hopes of seeing some action and was not disappointed. Barely managed to restrain snickers when he honked up that bullet, but did not risk discovery as Mina was laughing so loudly that she drowned out any other sound. Unfortunate finding: Mina sounds like a dying cat being dragged under a carriage when she laughs.  
Snuck into Podunk American's room later that night. Just mumbled something in his sleep that sounded like "Auntie, I'll whitewash the fence later" and started snoring. Has several moles on his left shoulder blade that look just like Queen Victoria's face.  
This is the most pathetic lot imaginable, it is.  
  
3rd Day:  
  
Nemo and Jekyll are so UP EACH OTHER. They spent all day staring into one another's eyes and sighing. Mina is stalking around with a rosy, post- coital glow. Gray grinning like a fool, can barely restrain self from tossing him overboard. Everyone is getting laid on this ship but me. And elderly coot, who spends most of every day cuddling his gun and calling it Matilda. He may be in even more desperate need of a shag than me, if such a thing is possible.  
Lack of sex drove me into a state of temporary insanity and I stumbled into old fart's room in hopes of scoring some nooky. Alas, even he tossed me out. Bugger! Not like he's any great prize. Consoled myself by retreating to American ponce's room and watching his amusing lip-synch to a record of "Josephine and her Flying Machine."  
  
4th Day:  
  
Always knew Gray was traitor! Have managed to strand myself onboard mini-submarine thing with him and M (who is also traitor), so I am tip- toeing. Gray isn't helping matters much, he immediately stripped down to his tighty-whities and started prancing around, asking M if he was getting fat. Almost said that he was developing love handles but controlled myself.  
  
Is getting v. warm in here. Naked Gray v. distracting. Am breathing heavily. Must think of something not at all sexy. Mina in an abattoir? Sawyer's moles? Quartermain and Matilda locked in a passionate embrace? Not working!  
  
5th Day:  
  
Gave Mina a right good smack on the bottom! Go me! Felt v. heroic, led League directly to M's evil hideout. Thought about leaving American chap to his doom but the eedjit's grown on me (like a fungus) so saved him anyway. Am now extra-crispy. Don't feel so positive all of a sudden.  
  
6th Day:  
  
African sun killing me. Now that Gray bit the big one, Mina has been shooting amorous looks at Sawyer. Have resolved to save her from fate worse than death, as soon as burns heal will give her a right good shag. First must stop unsexy oozing and crackling.  
Ouch, oww, yipe, ouch, eep, ouch.. 


End file.
